Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
