dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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