whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
