weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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