apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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