ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
