Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
