I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
