I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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