Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
