I CAN MOONWALK!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
