If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
