I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
