My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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