If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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