She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
