That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I met the friendliest cop last night
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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