So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
