I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize