this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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