Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Two words: blizzard sex
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize