We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
