I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
