I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
