I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i think my cat just said my name.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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