before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so let's talk penis.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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