My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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