I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
