fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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