If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
