If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
