We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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