she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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