i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
