she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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