I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
