My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
