Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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