im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
