there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
