my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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