i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize