We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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