Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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