When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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