just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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