I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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