Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
