this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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