i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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