The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
