Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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