I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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