I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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