I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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