Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
